No matter what I do or how much time passes by,
I still let it hold me back even when I think I have overcome it, and it does not hurt me or affect me anymore. They say that history always has a way of repeating itself. The truth is that it is my biggest fear. I am afraid that what happened to me happens again: how would I bear it? I am surrounded by many, but somehow still feel so alone. I surround myself to distract myself and forget all my emptiness, sorrow, pain, and not think about the things I want to avoid thinking about or how I feel deep down. You take actions and do things you would never think you were capable of doing. You try to fill an emptiness and deposit your pain in all the wrong places men, money, parents, siblings, family, pleasure, and friends and turn out feeling more pain than when you started. You look in the mirror at times and do not even recognize the person staring back at you. It is as if you wear a mask that only shows what you want other people to see. You try to walk, eat, and sleep in the light because the dark is your biggest fear. When the lights go out, your nightmare begins. The darkness holds within it so many secrets and cries that no one else can know but you. When you close your eyes, videos start to play in your head and no matter how much you try to make it stop it or erase, you can’t. In the dark, you feel hopeless, little, helpless, and worthless because it has power over you. Darkness hugs you even though you don’t want it to touch you. You feel vulnerable like you’re 12 all over again, as if you are living in that moment that caused you so much pain it evolved in hate. So real it scares the life out of you, well what’s left of it. Every night you wake up and look around and see that no matter how much that room, where the worst things occurred, has changed, it is the same. The walls covered up by new layers of paint still witnessed your cries in the dark when everyone was asleep. The wind that circulates in it still remembers the smell of your fear. That bed, felt how dirty and disgusted you felt with yourself. The memories still haven’t faded or blurred. They stay fresh in your mind as if it were yesterday that you begged and cried for help. You wished you had daddy to protect you or mommy to hold you and say, “everything will be ok,” even if it was a lie. It was just yesterday that you wanted to find someone to shelter yourself in and help ease the pain and fear. Your biggest fear becomes a trauma, and controls your every day. Two steps forward throw you four steps back. It made you feel like you lost it all: your self-esteem, value, childhood, everything you were, and the ability to be open with someone. You can’t let anyone else in because you feel like they’re just getting close to you to harm you. You want to love but how when all you’ve loved has walked out your life or hurt you in the worst ways. But mostly, how can you trust when you stop believing in those who you thought would never fail? He left you with nothing just hate and coldness, which now you use for survival. It is all you know and gives you the strength to keep going.